Today was the day.
MRI results day. I have spent the last few weeks going over and over this day in my mind. To stop myself going down an anxiety spiral, I would visualize how I wanted the day to go. Walking up to the building, getting on the elevator, sitting down in the waiting room. I was like an athlete prepping for the big game.
It was a test in patience. I had to wait a long time for my appointment and when the Dr. called me in he spent a really long time reviewing my file.
This is something he always does of course, but maybe it was just that for me today was so important, the wait was excruciating. I could actually see my necklace shaking because my heart was pounding.
"Let's just pull up the MRI results....
Hmmm... Well, you have a brain"
While I appreciate humour as much, if not more, than the next person, today I was not in the mood for stalling. But I bit my tongue before some snarky remark could spill out of my mouth and instead I just smiled (in what I hope was a sweet smile and not a cranky one)
"MRI Looks fine"
..... And.... Cue breathing.
It wasn't until I heard the word "fine" did I realize I had been holding my breath.
I just felt gratitude. Waves of gratitude that this test had a good result. What is means now is that as far as we can tell, there is no identifiable cause for my epilepsy. This is very common. Most epileptic people cannot find the root cause. So I will continue on the meds. Should I have a seizure, we will then look at dosages etc.
Everything was on pause until we got these results. Now I can look forward.
When I got home Zach and I went for a bike ride. For the first time in weeks I was actually relaxed. It had been occupying every thought of every day and it was freeing to release it.
On the way home, we heard a car honk. My friend Debbie was driving by. She stopped and we chatted. She could tell instantly that I had got good results. She just smiled and said, "I knew the second I saw you. I could see it in your face".
This is true. I don't have the greatest poker face. It's pretty easy to read me. Some would say this isn't a great quality, but the way I look at is, at least you know what you're getting.
...And at the moment you are getting one certifiably happy woman.