Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Bachelor Recap

It was one for the record books.  Juan is definitely the Worst. Bachelor. Ever.

Both Clare and Nikki love Juan despite the fact that no conversation really ever gets past "I'm so glad you're here" and "I love my daughter".

Both girls meet his family.  His family seems nice enough and even warned the girls that Juan can be a wee bit dickish, but neither seemed concerned.

Clare's date was started with a helicopter.  In the helicopter with no cameras, Juan said something to Clare that sent her into a tailspin.  A lot of websites have reported she said to him, "Just tell me you love me" and he replied, "I really loved fucking you".

Up top Juan. Way to knock it out of the park.

He was still oblivious to his blunder until Clare brought it up. Clare has the unique ability of being mad, but looking like she's going to break into giggles at any moment. Irritates me to no end.  But whatevs, he Es-Ok'd his way back into good favor.

Cue Nikki date.  Some random boat cruise ending with her giving him a frame and a heart felt note saying that she loved him. To which he kissed her forehead and basically said "Yeah, I gotta go".  Chicks love that.

Usually in the finale there is the big drawn out period, where the Bachelor is discussing what he should do with his family followed by lengthy ring selection with a sweaty Neil Lane on some tropical patio.  That didn't happen.  A brief chat with his cousin and us being assured he met with Neil Lane was all we got.

Alright... onto the meaty stuff.  Clare's up first.  She gives her speech and then he starts talking.  It was interesting watching Clare's face because you could tell she was thinking, is he dumping me or doing that reverse psychology and making it sound like he is only to pick me in the end?

Well he didn't and girlfriend was Pissed. 

Then.... THEN..... after her rant and she's out of ear shot, JP goes "Wooo!  Glad I didn't pick her!"

Nikki's turn. She says her piece, he says some oratorical fluff and ends it with "I'm not going to propose, but I like you a lot".

Isn't that remarkable lukewarm sentiment.

So there we are.  Fast forward to After the Rose.

Chris Harrison is not a lucky man.  Juan Pablo is the worst interviewee ever.  He doesn't answer questions, dances around the topic saying tons of stuff without actually saying anything (kind of amazing really).  The FUNNIEST part was when Chris announced that Juan Pablo told the producers he had a big surprise.  So immediately everyone is thinking, he proposed to Nikki after the show, she's knocked up, they are living together.... Something.

So when Chris asked Juan Pablo about the surprise, he was like "What? I have a surprise? What surprise, I don't know anything about a surprise".  Nice.  Producers were probably PISSED on that one.

Meanwhile Chris is having a coronary trying to get Juan to say he loves Nikki. Nikki did look gorgeous, so yay for her on that one. As much of a douche that he is, I am kind of impressed he stuck to his convictions and didn't say he loved her to appease the show.  That would have been the easy way out and he didn't. So minor props for that.

Nikki tried to play it off as she was ok with it all, but you could tell there were cracks in that facade.

I did like the "We are done with the Bachelor. So done".  Nice work guys. Way to end it all on a high note.

Chris Harrison had a hard time hiding his contempt  Even said at one point, "Another season of the Bachelor has come to an end. I'm not gonna lie, I'm OK moving on". Yikes. Not exactly a rav review from everyone's favorite wing man.

With Juan put to bed, they announce the new Bachelorette. I know that is how these things go, but I REALLY wish we could have a do-over of Juan Pablo's season with Zach, but I read somewhere that he has a girlfriend now. Nuts.

So they announced Andy is the new Bachelorette.  Meh.  I think I would have liked Sharleen as the Bachelorette or maybe Kelly, she was pretty funny.  That being said,  I think Andy will have a good season and honestly I am just finally glad that I don't have to hear Juan Pablo interviews and have me screaming inside my head going "Answer the fucking question!!!"

Yes, you were worse than any Bachelor I have ever seen, but the producers picked you, so I can't hold you entirely responsible.



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