Monday, November 25, 2013

Slow cooker clusterfuck

I had lofty goals a of a yummy caramelized apple pork roast for Sunday dinner.  Filling the house with an appetizing aromas....

Yeah no.  What I got was questionable aromas, a dried out lump of meat and toast for supper.

It all started innocently.  I was on Pinterest and found a recipe for apple pork roast.  However, I didn't have all of the ingredients and I really didn't feel like going out.  Laziness in this case didn't pay off.  The recipe called for caramelized onions. But I didn't have any onions, so dried onion flakes went in.

The recipe also bizarrely called for a marinade of Sprite, but I only had the chemical shit storm that is Diet Sprite.  It didn't work the same. At least I don't think it did. Oh gawd, what if that is how it was supposed to be.  That's a horrifying thought.

After a few hours in the slow cooker I checked in. Didn't look like the picture in the recipe.

Hmm... time for half time adjustments.  Added some garlic.  That'll fix it.

When it was done, I tried a piece. Ew.  Dry and Chewy which is remarkable considering it was bathing in a jacuzzi of diet sprite.  So I decided to scrap any attempts at salvaging the Sprite sauce, but I had nothing in my cupboard except for a can of cream of chicken soup.

Ok.. desperate times call for desperate measures.  I figured I'd make a cream sauce with the soup and serve it and the pork over noodles.  In a moment of brilliance, I decided to add in the cooked apples from the slower cooker (that had cooked with the pot roast) into the cream of chicken sauce mixture.

This is what I think I will call the TSN turning point of the meal. Sweet apples.. made even sweeter from cooking in Sprite for 4 hours is not a good addition to a soup sauce. It was now a sickly sweet concoction.  So I then attempted to add a few splashes of soy sauce to balance it out.

Except the $%*(&)&^%$# top to the soy sauce fell off and I dumped in half the bottle.

Turned the cream sauce brown and I think it was at this point, I officially said "Fuck it".

The boys and Brad ended up having the pork with carrots and noodles. Brad insisted that the sauce was fine, which leads me to truly question his ability to taste food.

I was so turned off by the entire ordeal I had toast and jam for supper.


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